The Things I Will Never Know

Life is full of questions, it’s how we learn, by asking them. Sometimes there are questions that we never ask, even though we want to. Sometimes we want to ask but we don’t really want to know the answers.

Questions can sometimes be painful, because there are no answers. They will always be there, unanswered no matter how much you try to make peace with that fact it will still hurt.

On Mother’s Day I allow myself to ask these questions. I allow myself to feel the pain and weight that these questions bare. Then I take a deep breath and continue on.

Here are the things I will never know.

When did you first feel me move in your belly ? how much did I weigh when I was born ? Was I good baby ? 

When was my first smile, tooth, step ?

Did you love me then, ever, at the end ?

Why did you really leave ? what made you so unhappy ? did you miss me ? 

Did you ever tell me the truth ? 

Are the few memories I have of you from childhood real ? Were there any good memories ?

Did you know that the last time you saw me it would be the last ?

Could you understand why I couldn’t watch you die ? 

Did you hate me right at the end ? Is that why nobody has ever been in touch to tell me ?

Did you find peace ? I hope you did.